By the actors:
Don’t…Let’s not talk about me.
Really, I think my big scene should be cut.
I’m sure someone told me there was a wall here. I just forgot.
This costume is SO comfortable.
No thanks, I don’t drink.

By the director:
No, today is the tech rehearsal, we’ll re-work that scene later.
I think the scene changes are too fast.
Of course I think that we’ll be ready in time for opening.
No thanks, I don’t drink.

By the stage crew:
We’ll get in early tomorrow to do it.
No, no, I’m sure that is our job.
All the tools are carefully locked away.
Can we do that scene change again please?
No thanks, I don’t drink.

By the orchestra members:
These chairs are amazingly comfortable.
The air in this orchestra pit is so refreshing.
This is fine. I have plenty of room.
What a super tap-dancer.
No thanks, I don’t drink.

By the designer:
Yes, it is absolutely my fault the set looks awful.
We have too many gel colours in stock, I can’t choose.
The director knows best, obviously I wasn’t giving him what he wants.
No thanks, I don’t drink.

Every year dad would put his turkeys in the local show and always got 1st prize. Dad looked at his watch and said to Dave, ‘hey son, entry time for the turkeys is almost closed, get those turkeys on the truck and go quickly to the showground and don’t spare the gas.’

Dave takes off in a cloud of dust and 15 minutes later Dad gets a phone call from Dave. ‘Dad, I was making good time till I raced around a corner and hit a pig on the side of the road and he’s wedged up between the back wheels and he’s hurt bad.’ Dad says, ‘that’s too bad son, but you must get those turkeys to the show.’ Dave says, ‘what can I do Dad, he’s in a lot of pain.’ Dad says, ‘the best thing you can do son is get the mallet from the tool box, give the pig a good whack on the head to put him out of his misery, cut off his legs that’s wedged into the wheels and chuck him over the fence, the crows will have a feed.’ Dave sheepishly says, ‘Please Dad, don’t make me do that.’ Dad says, ‘bugger the flaming pig, I know you like animals, but you must get those turkeys to the show.’ And hung up.

Ten minutes later Dad gets another phone-call from Dave. “Dad, I did what you said, whacked him over the head, cut of this legs and chucked him over the fence, but, but.’ Dad cuts in, ‘what’s the damn trouble now?’ Dave replies, ‘what will I do with his motor-bike?’