“Well,” says the Ingham’s man, “we anticipated your reluctance. For this reason, we will increase our offer to $300 million dollars. All we require is that you change the Lord’s Prayer from ‘give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘give us this day our daily chicken.’

Again, the Pope replies, “That, my son, is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord and it must not be changed.”

Finally, the Ingham’s guy says, “Your Holiness, we at Ingham’s respect your adherence to your faith, but we do have one final offer. We will donate $500 million dollars – that’s half a billion dollars – to the great Catholic church if you would only change the Lord’s Prayer from ‘give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘give us this day our daily chicken.’ Please consider it.” And he leaves.

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. “There is some good news,” he announces, “and some bad news.” “The good news is that the Church will come into $500 million dollars.”

“And the bad news, your Eminence?” asks a Cardinal.

“We’re losing the Tip Top Account.”
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One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behaviour that was going on.
He decided to send an Angel down to Earth to check it out.
So he called one of His Angels and sent the Angel to Earth for a time. When he returned, he told God, “Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are not.”
God thought for a moment and said, “Maybe I had better send a second Angel to get another opinion.”
So God called another Angel and sent him to Earth for a time too. When the Angel returned, he went to God and said, “Yes it’s. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good.”
God was not pleased.
So He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them. Give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what the E-mail said?
No?
I didn’t get one either.
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Three little boys were looking for a summer job. Their preacher needed some people to go around and sell bibles. So the preacher hired two boys without even thinking twice. But he was hesitant about hiring the third boy because he suffered from a speech impediment.
So after the first days of work they all met back at the church. The preacher looked at the first boy and asked him, ‘How many bibles did you sell?’ The boy stood up and said, ’35.’ ‘Is that all you sold?’ the preacher said. He looked at the second boy and asked him the same thing. The boy said, ’75.’ ‘That is good,’ the preacher replied. He didn’t want to ask the third boy but did. The boy with the speech impediment “I-I-I s-s-sold 175. The preacher was amazed and asked the boy how did he sell all of the bibles. He said ‘I-I-I t-t-told them to b-b-buy t-t-them or I will r-r-read it to t-t-them.’

It was a quiet day in Eden. The sun was shining brightly, there was nary a cloud in the sky. Adam was relaxing beneath the shade of a tree when a voice came from above asking, ‘Adam, I wish you to do something for me?’ Adam said, ‘Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?’ God said, ‘Go down into the valley.’ Adam said, ‘What’s a valley?’ God explained it to him. Then God said, ‘Cross the river?’ Adam said, ‘What’s a river?’ God explained that to him, and then said, ‘Go over to the hill…’ Adam said, ‘What is a hill?’ So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, ‘On the other side of the hill you will find a cave.’ Adam said, ‘What’s a cave?’ After God explained, he said, ‘In the cave you will find a Woman.’ Adam said, ‘What’s a woman?’ So God explained that to him, too. Then, God said, ‘I want you to reproduce.’ Adam said, ‘How do I do that?’ God first said (under is breath), ‘Geez….’ And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam as well. So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman. Then, in about five minutes, he was back. God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, ‘What is it now?’ And Adam said, ‘What’s a headache?’
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At a remote monastery deep in the woods, the monks followed a rigid vow of silence. This vow could only be broken once a year on Christmas, by one monk and the monk could speak only one sentence. One Christmas, Brother Thomas had his turn to speak and said, ‘I love the delightful mashed potatoes we have every year with the Christmas roast!’ Then he sat down. Silence ensued for 365 days. The next Christmas, Brother Michael got his turn, and said, ‘I think the mashed potatoes are lumpy and I truly despise them!’ Once again silence ensued for 365 days. The following Christmas, Brother Paul rose and said, ‘I am fed up with this constant bickering!’
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One Sunday a pastor asked his congregation to consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had contributed a $1000 bill. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation, and said he’d like to personally thank the person who had placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly widow shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened and she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, ‘I’ll take him and him and him.’
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A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of a few boys about 10 years of age, surrounding a dog. Concerned that the boys were hurting the animal, he went over and asked them what they were doing. One of the boys replied, ‘This dog is an old neighbourhood stray. We take him home with us sometimes, but only one of us can take him home. So we’re having a contest: whichever one of us tells the biggest lie can take him home today.’ Of course, the Revered was shocked. ‘You boys shouldn’t be having a contest telling lies!’ he exclaimed. He then launched into a 10 minute sermon against lying, beginning, ‘Don’t you boys know it’s a sin to lie?’ and ending up with ‘Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie.’ There was complete silence for about a minute. As the Reverend smiled with satisfaction that he’d gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh. ‘All right,’ he said, ‘give him the dog.’