A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. ‘Tim, you’re first, she said. ‘What does your mother do all day?’ ‘My mother is a Doctor.’ ‘That’s wonderful. How about you, Annie?’ Annie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, ‘My father is a mailman.’ ‘Thank you, Annie,’ said the teacher. ‘What about your father, Billy?’ Billy proudly stood up and announced, ‘My daddy plays piano in a brothel.’ The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy’s house and rang the bell. Billy’s father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation. Billys father said, ‘I’m actually a Solicitor, but how can I explain a thing like that to a seven year old?’
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A guy phones a law firm and says, ‘I want to speak to my lawyer.’ The receptionist says, ‘I’m sorry, but your lawyer died last week.’ The next day the same guy phones the law firm and says, ‘I want to speak to my lawyer.’ Once again the receptionist replies, ‘I’m sorry, but your lawyer died last week.’ The next day the guy makes his regular call to the law firm and says, ‘I want to speak to my lawyer.’ ‘Excuse me sir,’ the receptionist says, ‘but this is the third time I’ve had to tell you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?’ The guy replies, ‘Because I love hearing it!’
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A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he fells a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back and neck. The lawyer turns around. ‘What the hell do you think you’re doing?’ ‘I’m a chiropractor, and I’m just keeping in practice while I’m waiting in line.’ ‘Well, I’m a lawyer, but you don’t see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?’
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There were three men at a bar. One man got drunk and started to fight with the other two men. The police came and took the drunk guy to jail. The next day the man went before the judge. The judge asked the man, ‘Where do you work?’ The man said, ‘Here and there.’ The judge asked the man, ‘What do you do for a living?’ The man said, ‘This and that.’ The judge then said, ‘Take him away.’ The man said, ‘Wait, judge when will I get out?’ The judge said to the man, ‘Sooner or later.’

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. ‘Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?’ ‘Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite mule Bessie into the-‘ ‘I didn’t ask for any details,’ the lawyer interrupted. ‘Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?’ ‘Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road-‘ ‘Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.’ By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe’s answer and told the lawyer so. ‘Well,’ said the farmer, ‘as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ol’ Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. he said, ‘Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?’
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An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St Peter checks his dossier and says, ‘Ahh, you’re an engineer – you’re in the wrong place.’ So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing building improvements. After awhile, they’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, ‘So, how’s things down there in hell?’ Satan replies, ‘Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.’ God replies, ‘What??? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake – he should never have gotten down there; send him up here.’ Satan says, ‘No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.’ God says, ‘send him back up here or I’ll sue.’ Satan laughs uproariously and answers, ‘Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?’
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In a murder trial, the defence attorney was cross examining the coroner:
Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?
Coroner: No
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Coroner: No
Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren’t sure the man was dead, were you?
Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man’s brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it’s possible he could be out there practising law somewhere.