A Maori goes into a brothel in Amsterdam one night and finds himself a prostitute. He asks her, ‘How much do you charge for the hour bro?’ ‘$100’, she replies. So he asks, ‘Okay do you do Maori style?’ She says ‘No!’ He then asks her, ‘I’ll pay you $200 to do it Maori style?’ She again says no, not knowing what Maori style is! So he then offers her $300. Again she declines his offer. So finally he says, ‘I’ll give you $500 to go Maori style with me!’ Finally she agrees thinking, ‘Well, I’ve been in the game for over 10 years now, I’ve been there and done that, had every kind of request from wierdo’s from every corner of the world. How bad could Maori style be?’
So she goes ahead and has sex with him, doing it in every kind of way and in every possible position. Finally, after several intense hours they finish. Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, ‘That was fantastic. I’ve never enjoyed it so much. But I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. Where does the ‘Maori style’ come in?’
The Maori replies…’I’ll pay you next week.’
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An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company. So off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her. He whispered, ‘I’m lonely too, buy me and you won’t be sorry.’ The old lady figured - What the heck, she hadn’t found anything else. She bought the frog and put him in the car. Driving down the road the frog whispered to her ‘Kiss me and you won’t be sorry.’ So the old lady figured – What the heck, and kissed the frog. Immediately the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous sexy young handsome prince. The prince then kissed the old lady back…And guess what the old lady turned into?
Come on guess?
Ooooohhhhhh Come on.
She turned into the first motel she could find.
She’s old….NOT DEAD!!!!
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A man and woman were sitting in church, the man was sleeping and his wife was knitting. The priest asked ‘Who created the Earth and man?’ The woman poked the man with her knitting needle and the man screamed, ‘GOD!’ The Priest looked at him and said, ‘That’s right.’ Then he asked ‘Who is God’s son?’ Once more the woman poked her husband with the needle, he woke up and screamed, ‘Jesus Christ!’ Again, the priest said, ‘Correct.’ Finally, the priest asked, ‘What did Eve say to Adam when she didn’t want any more children?’ The knitter poked her husband again, but this time he screamed ‘Poke me with that thing one more time and I’m going to rip it off!’ The Priest smiled and said, ‘That’s right.’
Martin wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Martin looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table. ‘Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you!’
so he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning paper. His teenage son is also at the table. Martin asks, ‘Son, what happened last night?’ His son says, ‘Well, you came home around 3am, drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.’ Confused, Martin asks, ‘So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?’ His son replies, ‘Oh, that! Apparently Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, ‘Get your hands off me bitch! I’m married!’
Moral of the Story
Self induced hangover - $100.00
Broken furniture - $2000.00
Breakfast - $10.00
Saying the Right Thing to your wife when you are Drunk – PRICELESS!
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A Solicitor got home late one evening, after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for a murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the Governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed. As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, ‘What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?’ and, on and on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub…pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the wife answered and was told that her husband’s client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband’s rear view as he bent over naked drying his legs and feet. ‘They’re not hanging Wright tonight,’ she said. The Solicitor whirled around and screamed hysterically, ‘For crying out loud, woman, don’t you ever stop nagging!?’
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A woman went to her doctor for a follow up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. ‘Doctor, the hormones you’ve been giving me have really helped, but I’m afraid that you’re giving me too much. I’ve started growing hair in places that I’ve never grown hair before.’ The doctor reassured her, ‘A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?’ ‘Oh my testicles, which is something else I want to talk to you about…’ replied the lady.