-Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.
-A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
-On the other hand you have different fingers.
-Change is inevitable except from a vending machine.
-I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
-When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
-Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
-Those who live by the sword…get shot by those who don’t.
-I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
-He’s not dead…he’s electroencephalographically challenged.
-You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
-I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
-Honk if you love peace and quiet.
-Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
-Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
-It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blames it on the cost of living.
-The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
-It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
-You can’t have everything…where would you put it?
-Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the worlds population.
-The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.
-A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
-It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
-I wished the buck stopped here as I could use a few.
-I started out with nothing, and still have most of it.
-Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
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Top 10 Funny Store Signs
1. Outside a muffler shop: ‘No appointment necessary, we hear you
coming.’
2. Outside a hotel: ‘Help! We need inn-experienced people.’
3. On a desk in a reception room: ‘We shoot every 3rd salesman,
and the 2nd one just left.’
4. In a veterinarians waiting room: ‘Be back in 5 minutes, Sit!
Stay!’
5. At the electric company: ‘We would be de-lighted if you send
in your bill. However, if you don’t you will be.’
6. On the door of a computer store: ‘Out for a quick byte.’
7. On a restaurant window: ‘Don’t stand there and be hungry,
come on in and get fed up.’
8. Inside a bowling alley: ‘Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin
drop.’
9. In the front yard of a funeral home: ‘Drive carefully, we’ll
wait.’
10. In a counsellors office: ‘Growing old is mandatory, growing
wise is optional.’
1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony
wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, “I’ve lost my electron.” The other says, “Are you sure?” The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive…”
3. A jumper cable walk into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
4. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry we don’t serve food in here.”
5. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
6. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
8. A man complains, “Doc, I can’t stop singing “The Green, Green Grass of Home.” “That’s the Tom Jones Syndrome,” explains the doc. “Is it common?” asks the man. “It’s Not Unusual,” says the doc.
9. Two cows are standing in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.” “I don’t believe you,” said Dolly. “It’s true, no bull!” exclaimed Daisy.
10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
11. Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.
12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, “My dog’s cross-eyed, is there any thing you can do?” “Let’s have a look at him.” says the vet. So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes. Finally, he says “I’m going to have to put him down.” “Just because he’s cross eyed?” asks the man. “No because he’s really heavy,” says the vet.
13. I went to by some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
14. I went to the butcher’s and wanted to bet him 50 bucks that he couldn’t reach the meat on the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”
15. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know - - I cut off your arms!”
16. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
17. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too!
18. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
19. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, “DAM!”
