A plumber attended to a leaking sink at a neurosurgeons house. After a 2 minute job, he demanded $75. ‘I don’t charge this amount even though I’m a surgeon.’ ‘You’re right – that’s why I switched from surgery to plumbing!’
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A helicopter was flying around Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircrafts electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and the haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopters position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew towards it, circled it and held up a sign that said, ‘WHERE AM I?’ in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said ‘YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.’ The pilot smiled, waved looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how he had done it. ‘I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer.’
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One day a secretary is leaving on her lunch break, and she notices her boss standing in front of the shredder with a clueless look on his face. The secretary walks up to him and asks if he needs help. ‘Yes!’ he says looking and sounding relieved, ‘This is very important.’ Glad to help, she turns the shredder on and inserts the paper. Then her boss says, ‘Thanks, I only need one copy.’
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A keen country lad applied for a saleman’s job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world – you could get anything there. The boss asked him, ‘have you ever been a salesman before?’ ‘Yes, I was a salesman in the country,’ said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, ‘you can start tomorrow and I’ll come and see you when we close up.’ The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o’clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, ‘how many sales did yo make today?’

‘One,’ said the young salesman. ‘Only one?’ blurted the boss, ‘most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?’ ‘Three hundred thousand dollars,’ said the young man. ‘How did you manage that?’ asked the flabbergasted boss. ‘Well,’ said the salesman ‘this man came in and I sold him a small fishing hook, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn’t be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser.’

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, ‘you sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?’ ‘No,’ answered the salesman, ‘he came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, ‘Your weekends shot, you may as well go fishing.’

A Horoscope for the Workplace

ASTROLOGY: tells us about you and your future simply by your birthday. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of you birth. Demographics tell us what you like, dislike, whom you vote for, what you buy, and what you watch on TV. Well, the Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by your job title, people will have you all figured out….

MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing, which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.

SALES: Laziest of all signs. often referred to as ‘marketing without a degree,’ you are also self centred and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with ‘customers’ so you can ‘concentrate on the big picture.’ You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don’t understand what you are saying, but who the hell can tell?! It is written that the geeks shall inherit the Earth.

ENGINEERING: One of the only two signs that actually studied in school, it is said that ninety percent of all personal ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself: you’re office is typically full of the latest ‘ergo dynamic’ gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your ‘carpal tunnel…’

ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumours concerning you say that you are completely insane.

HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than you is marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, and mail a letter!

MIDDLE MANAGEMENT/DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT/TEAM LEADS: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of you life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other ‘Middle Managers”, as everyone in you social circle is a ‘Middle Manager’.

SENIOR MANAGEMENT: Catty, cut throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other ‘Senior Managers,’ as everyone in your social circle is a ‘Senior Manager’.

CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty cent cab ride from taking your own life. As a child very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play ‘Customer Service’. Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your boss.