One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. However, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo’s most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly. The keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

The next morning, before the crowd arrives, the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it’s a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he gets bored just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lions cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla. Well, this goes on for some time. The mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind.

Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, ‘Help, Help me!’ but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, ‘Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?’
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A man runs into the vet’s office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog’s body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog’s body and finally looks at the vet and meows.

The vet looks at the man and says, ‘I’m sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too.’ The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, ‘I’m sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too.’ The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks to the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, ‘$650’. $650 to tell me my dog is dead?’ exclaimed the man… ‘Well,’ the vet replies, ‘I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests.’
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This guy walks into a bar with his golden retriever. ‘Hey, can I get a drink on the house if my dog talks for you?’ ‘Dogs can’t talk, pal. But if you can prove to me yours does, I’ll give you a drink. If not, I get to kick your ass.’ ‘Okay,’ says the guy. He turns to his dog. ‘Okay fella. Tell me – what is on top of your doghouse?’ ‘Roof!’ The man turns and smiles at the bartender. ‘THAT ain’t talking! Any dog can bark!’ ‘Okay boy. Tell me – how does sandpaper feel?’ ‘Ruff!’ ‘What the hell are you tryin’ to pull, mister?’ ‘Okay, okay,’ says the man. ‘One more question please. Okay buddy, tell me – who is the greatest ball player who ever lived?’ ‘Ruth.’ The bartender beats the hell out of the guy and throws him onto the sidewalk outside of the bar, then throws the dog out next to him. The dog stands up and looks at the guy. ‘Geez. D’ya think I shoulda said DiMaggio?’

Why God Made Mums
Enjoy the answers given by primary school age children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She’s the only one who knows where the sticky tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of them when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mum just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God made mothers out of clouds and angel-hair and everything nice in the world, and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men’s bones. Then they mostly use string. I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mum?
1. We’re related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people’s mums like me.

What kind of little girl was your mum?
1. My mum has always been my mum and none of that other stuff.
2. I don’t know because I wasn’t there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

Why did your mum marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mum eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mum didn’t have her thinking cap on.

Who’s the boss at your house?
1. Mum doesn’t want to be boss, but she has to because dad’s such a goofball.
2. Mum. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mum is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What’s the difference between mums and dads?
1. Mums work at work and work at home, and dad’s just got to work at work.
2. Mums know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but mums have all the real power cause that’s who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friends.

What does you mum do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don’t do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mum perfect?
1. On the inside she’s already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I’d diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mum, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I’d get rid of that.
2. I’d make my mum smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.