One day, three woman – a blonde, a brunette, and a red head – were running away from the police. They ran into an old abandoned farmyard and found three large potato sacks
behind the shed. Each woman hid in one of the sacks.
When the police arrived, the chief policeman kicked each
of the bags in turn. When he kicked the bag with the
brunette in it, she said: ‘miaow, miaow.’ The policeman tells his team: ‘It’s okay; it’s only a cat in the bag.’ Then he kicked the bag, in which the red head was hiding, and she called out: ‘woof, woof.’ Again the policeman said, ‘It’s okay, there’s only a dog in that one.’ He then moved on to kick the bag with the blonde hiding in it and got the shock of his life when the voice came from the sack: ‘potatoes, potatoes.’
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A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf…Of course, the wife promptly backed her first shot through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, ‘I warned you to be careful! Now we’ll have to go up there, find the owner, apologise and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.’ So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, ‘come on in.’ When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, ‘are you the people that broke my window?’ ‘Uh…yeah, sir. We’re sure sorry about that,’ the husband replied. ‘Oh, no apology necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I’m a genie, and I’ve been trapped in the bottle for a thousand years. Now that you’ve released me, I’m allowed to grant three wishes. I’ll give you each one wish, but if you don’t mind, I’ll keep the last one for myself.’ ‘Wow, that’s great!’ the husband said. He pondered for a moment and blurted out, ‘I’d like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.’ ‘No problem,’ said the genie. ‘You’ve got it, it’s the least I can do. And I’ll guarantee you a long, healthy life!’ ‘And now you, young lady, what do you want?’ the genie asked. ‘I’d like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,’ she said. ‘Consider it done,’ the genie said. ‘And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!’ ‘And now,’ the couple asked in unison, ‘what’s your wish, genie?’ ‘Well since I’ve been trapped in that bottle and haven’t been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish it to have sex with your wife.’ The husband looked at his wife and said. ‘Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune and all those houses. What do you think?’ She mulled it over for a few moments and said, ‘you know, you’re right.’ ‘Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn’t mind, but what about you, honey?’ ‘You know I love you sweetheart,’ said the husband. ‘I’d do the same for you!’ So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, ‘how old are you and your husband?’ ‘Why, we’re both 35,’ she responded breathlessly. ‘YOU ARE KIDDING! Thirty five and both of you still believe in genies?’

A man walked into the ladies department of Macy’s and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, ‘I’d like to buy a bra for my wife.’ ‘What type of bra?’ asked the clerk. ‘Type’ inquired the man, ‘there’s more than one type?’ ‘Look around,’ says the sales lady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour and material imaginable. ‘Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from.’ Relieved the man asked about the types, The sales lady replied, ‘there are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian and the Baptist types, which would you prefer?’ Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them. The saleslady replied, ‘It is all really quite simple…The Catholic Type support the masses…The Salvation Army lifts the fallen…The Presbyterian Type keeps them staunch and upright…and the Baptist makes mountains out of molehills.
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Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn’t figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
A – Almost Boobs… E – Enormous!
B – Barely there. F – Fake.
C – Can’t Complain. G – Get a reduction.
D – Dang! H – Help me, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!
DD – Double Dang!
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On the first day God created the dog. God said, ‘Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years.’ The dog said, ‘that’s too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten.’ So God agreed.
On the second day God created the monkey. God said, ‘Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I’ll give you a twenty year life span.’ The monkey said, ‘How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don’t think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that’s what I’ll do too, okay?’ And God agreed.
On the third day God created the cow. God said, ‘You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years.’ The cow said, ‘That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I’ll give you back the other forty.’ And God agreed again.
On the fourth day God created man. God said, ‘Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I’ll give you twenty years.’ Man said, ‘What? Only twenty years! Tell you what, I’ll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back and the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?’ ‘Okay,’ said God, ‘You’ve got a deal.’
So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, and enjoy ourselves; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.