Several men are in the locker room of a gym when a cell phone on the bench rings. One of the men takes the phone, engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. The other sticky beaks in the locker room stop what they are doing to listen.
Man: ‘Hello?’
Woman: ‘Honey it’s me. Are you at the club?’
Man: ‘Yes’.
Woman: ‘I’m at the mall and I found this beautiful red coat. It’s only $1000. Is it okay if I buy it?’
Man: ‘Sure…go ahead if you like it that much.’
Woman: ‘I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2004 models. I saw one I really liked.’
Man: ‘How much?’
Woman: ‘$60,000.’
Man: ‘Okay, but for that price I want it with all the extras – make an offer – we can always go higher later.’
Woman: ‘Okay. I’ll see you at home, I thought you wouldn’t understand – I love you.’
The man hangs up. All the other men look at him in astonishment. He keeps his composure turns around and says ‘does anyone know whose phone this is?’
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A man is at home watching the football when his wife interrupts: ‘Honey, could you fix the hall light? It’s been flickering for weeks now,’ she asks. He looks at her and says angrily: ‘Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have Energex printed on my forehead? I don’t think so!’ ‘Well then,’ she asks, ‘could you fix the fridge door? It won’t close properly.’ ‘Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don’t think so?’ ‘Fine,’ she says, ‘but could you at least fix the steps to the front door?’ ‘They’re about to break up.’ ‘Does it look as though I have Bunnings written on my forehead? I don’t think so. I’ve had enough of this, I’m going to the pub!’ So, he goes to the pub and drinks until closing time. When he arrives home he notices the steps are fixed and the light has stopped flickering. He goes to the fridge to get another beer and notices that the fridge door is also fixed. ‘Honey, how did all these get fixed?’ he asks. ‘Well,’ she said, ‘when you left, I sat outside and cried, and a nice young man asked me what was wrong, so I told him. He offered to do all the repairs and all I had to do was either bake him a cake or make love to him.’ ‘So, what kind of cake did you bake him?’ ‘HELLO!!!!… Do you see Sara Lee written on my forehead? I don’t think so.’

A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a ‘Dear John’ letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:
Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you’ve been gone, and it’s not fair to either of us. I’m sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you. Love, Becky.
The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope…along with this note:
Dear Becky,
I’m so sorry, but I can’t quite remember who the f**k you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take Care, Ricky.
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A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there’s a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman – but only one position was available. The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. ‘We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances,’ they explained. ‘Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.’ Shocked, the man said, ‘you can’t be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!’ ‘Well,’ says the CIA official, ‘you’re definitely not the right man for this job.’ So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun, with the same instructions. The second man looked a bit shocked, but nonetheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about five minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. ‘I tried to shoot her, I just couldn’t pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I’m not the right man for the job.’ ‘No,’ the CIA man replied, ‘You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.’ Now they’re down to the woman applicant. Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. ‘This is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him.’ The woman took the gun and opened the door. Once the door closed, the CIA heard the gun start firing – one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the last assassin candidate. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, ‘You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!’
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A married couple is driving along the highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. ‘Darling,’ he says. ‘I know we’ve been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce.’ The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph. The husband speaks again. ‘I don’t want you to try and talk me out of it,’ he says, ‘because I have been having an affair with your best friend, and she’s a far better lover than you are.’ Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55. He pushes his luck. ‘I want the house,’ he says insistently. Up to 60. ‘I want the car, too’ he continues. 65mph. ‘And,’ he says, ‘I’ll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat.’ The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: ‘Isn’t there anything you want?’ The wife at last replies – in a quiet controlled voice. ‘No, I’ve got everything I need.’ she says. ‘Oh, really?’ he inquires, ‘so what have you got?’ Just before they slam into the wall at 75 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles. ‘The airbag.’
Never underestimate how a woman thinks.