quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner
with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to stash
the quarters in her room. ‘I’ll be right back and we’ll go to eat,’ she told
her husband and carried the coin laden bucket to the elevator. As she
was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard.
Both were black. One of them was tall…very tall…an intimidating figure. The woman froze. Her first thought was: These two are going to rob me. Her next thought was: Don’t be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen. But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her. She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious, flustered and ashamed. She hoped they didn’t read her mind but Gosh, they had to know what she was thinking!!! Her hesitation about joining them in the elevator was all too obvious now. Her face was flushed. She couldn’t just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward and followed with the other foot and was on the elevator. Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed. A second passed, and then another. Her fear increased! The elevator didn’t move. Panic consumed her. My God, she thought, I’m trapped and about to be robbed! Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore. Then one of the men said, ‘hit the floor.’ Instinct told her to do what they told her. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator floor. A shower of coins rained down on her. Take my money and spare me, she prayed. More seconds passed. She heard one of the men say politely. ‘Ma’am, if you’ll just tell us what floor you’re going to, we’ll push the button.’ The one who had said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh. The woman lifted her head up and looked up at the two men. They reached down to help her. Confused, she struggled to her feet. ‘When I told my friend here to hit the floor,’ said the average sized, ‘I meant that he should hit the elevator for our floor. I didn’t mean for you to hit the floor, ma’am.’ He spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing. The woman thought: My God, what a spectacle I’ve made of myself. She was to humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt out an apology, but words failed her. How do you apologize to two perfectly respectable gentlemen for behaving as though they were going to rob you? She didn’t know what to say. The three of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket. When the elevator arrived at her floor they then insisted on walking her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor. At her door they bid her a good evening. As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with laughter as they walked back to the elevator. The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her husband. The next morning flowers were delivered to her room – a dozen roses. Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar bill. The card said: ‘Thanks for the best laugh we’ve had in years.’
It was signed:
Eddie Murphy
Michael Jordan
______________________
An airlines passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight
attendant, who seemed to be putting everyone into a good mood as he served
them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descent, he came swishing
down the aisle and announced to the passengers, ‘Captain Marvey
has asked me to announce that he’ll be landing the big scary plane
shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up you trays that would
be super.’ On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed
rather exotic looking woman hadn’t moved a muscle. ‘Perhaps
you didn’t hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to
raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.’
She calmly turned her head and said, ‘In my country, I am called
a Princess. I take orders from no one.’ To which the flight attendant
replied, with out missing a beat, ‘well, sweet-cheeks, in my country,
I’m called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, bitch.’
FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue haired beauty, 80’s slim, 5’4” (used to be 5’6”) searching for sharp looking, sharp dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
LONG TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking to round out a six unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let’s get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated
flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
____________________
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED
Wrinkles don’t hurt.
Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held it’s
ground.
Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.
_____________________
I’m not really grouchy, I just don’t like traffic, waiting,
crowds, lawyers, loud music, unruly kids, Toyota commercials, barking
dogs, politicians and a few other things I can’t seem to remember
right now.
I’m sure everything I can’t find is in a safe secure place
somewhere.
I’m wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that’s just my left leg.
I’m having trouble remembering simple words like…
I’m beginning to realize that ageing is not for wimps.
I’m sure they are making adults younger these days, and when did
they let kids become policemen?
I’m wondering if you’re only as old as you feel, how could
I be alive at 150?
And, how can my kids be older than I feel sometimes?
I’m a walking storeroom of facts…I’ve just lost the
key to the storeroom door.
___________________
An elderly lady driving on the Bruce Highway gets pulled over for speeding. The officer tells her he’s caught her speeding at 100kmh in a 60kmh zone and asks her to produce a licence. The woman replies, ‘I’m sorry, but I lost it four years ago for drink driving.’ The officer looks at her in horror and then asks the woman to produce her registration papers. ‘I can’t do that sir,’ she replies. ‘You see, this is a stolen car.’ ‘What do you mean a stolen car?’ asks the officer. ‘Well you see I stole it earlier and tied up the owner and put him in the boot while I made a run for it – he is still in the boot, if you want to see!’ The officer follows procedure to a tee and slowly walks back towards his car and calls for backup. Before too long the old woman and vehicle are surrounded by several patrol cars and a senior swat officer makes a cautious approach towards the vehicle and asks her to get out slowly. She complies and asks the officer if there is a problem. ‘One of my officer told me that you have stolen a car and bundled the owner into your boot – could you open the boot of your car, please.’ The boot is empty, and the officer is further perplexed when the woman produces her registration papers showing she is the owner of the car. Upon request she produces her current driver’s licence for the now embarrassed senior officer, who then hastily apologises. ‘I am sorry madam, but one of my men said you had no licence, stole this car, and had bundled the owner into the boot while you made your getaway from other law enforcement officials. The old lady begins laughing and says to the officer, ‘I bet the liar told you I was speeding, too!’
