A man drives into a service station to fill his car with petrol. When the job is finished he walks into the office to pay the attendant, and after a quick chat, he heads back outside, only to find that his car is chock-full of penguins. He’s absolutely amazed at what he sees and runs back inside. ‘Mate, look outside, my car’s full of penguins, what should I do?’ Equally flabbergasted, the office worker tries to gather his thoughts and suggests taking the penguins to the nearest zoo. ‘Good idea,’ says the man, and drives off. A week later, the same man returns to the service station to put more petrol in his car. The same attendant is working behind the counter and is amazed to see that the car is still full of penguins. ‘Mate, what’s with the penguins,’ he says, ‘I thought you were taking them to the zoo.’ ‘I did’, the man replied. ‘And we had a great day too…we went on a picnic yesterday and today, I’m taking them to the footy.’
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Crocodile Dundee had reached retirement age and had just finished extensions to the Australian wildlife zoo he built when he gave away the up close and personal croc wrestling. Up the back he had a large pond where he fixed up nice picnic tables, horseshoe courts and grew some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed for swimming. One evening, Dundee popped out of the house and decided to go down to the pond, just to give it the once over, grabbing a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard a lot of commotion with splashing and plenty of loud laughter. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all paddled to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, ‘we’re not coming out until you leave!’ Old CD didn’t bat an eyelid. ‘Crikey ladies – I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond starkers,’ he said. Holding the bucket up he said, ‘I’m here to feed Barry – my old salt water croc.’
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A little fellow was sitting in the bar at the local having a few drinks and minding his own business when a big chap, who had been boasting about his physical prowess for some time, strolled in and sat next to him. After a few drinks the big chap got up and dropped the little fellow flat and leaned over and said, ‘That was Tae Kwon Do from Korea!’ Then the bully looked around laughing and took the man’s drink. The little fellow got up, ordered another beer and moved to a more secluded part of the pub. After a while the big chap tracked him down, floored him again and leant over and said, ‘that was Karate from Japan!’ The little bloke, now not very happy at all, picked himself up and walked out of the bar while the big fellow resumed his drinking. The little fellow came back into the bar and floored the big fellow. Then he leaned over to the barman and said: ‘When he wakes up, tell him that was the pick handle from out of the back of the ute!!’

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o’clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. ‘Not a chance,’ says the husband, ‘It’s 3 o’clock in the morning!’ He slams the door and returns to bed. ‘Who was that?’ asked the wife. ‘Just some drunk asking for a push,’ he answers. ‘Did you help him?’ she asks. ‘No, I did not, it is 3 o’clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!’ ‘Well, you have a short term memory,’ says his wife. ‘Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!’ The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, ‘Hello, are you still there?’ ‘Yes’ comes the answer. ‘Do you still need a push?’ calls out the husband. ‘Yes, please!’ comes the reply from the dark. ‘Where are you?’ asks the husband. ‘Over here on the swing!’ replies the drunk.
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Three men go into a motel. The man behind the desk said the room is $30, so each man paid $10 and went to the room. A while later the man behind the desk realized that the room was only $25, so he sent the bellboy to the 3 guys room with $5. On the way the bellboy couldn’t figure how to split $5 evenly between 3 men, so he gave each of the men $1 and kept the other $2 for himself. This meant that the 3 men each paid $9 for the room. A total of $27, add the $2 that the bellboy kept = $29. Where is the other dollar?
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A country fella made the trip to the big city and caught a cab to the airport. During the trip he tapped the cabby on the shoulder to ask a question – and disaster struck! The driver screamed hysterically, lost control of the cab, glanced off the side of a bus, drove up over the gutter, then screeched to a stop just inches from a large plate glass shop window while horrified shoppers ran for their lives. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver casually turned round and said to the young farmer, ‘please, for your own good and my own good, don’t ever do that again – you scared the living daylights out of me.’ The passenger, who was also frightened, apologised and said he didn’t realise that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much. The driver replied: ‘I’m sorry, but it’s really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the past 25 years.’
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Who can top this in depth assessment of the way government and large corporations think…
The tribal wisdom of the Aborigines, passed on from generation to generation, says that, ‘when you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.’ However, in the government, education, and in corporate Australia, more advanced strategies are often employed such as: 1. Buying a stronger whip. 2. Changing riders. 3. Appointing a committee to study the horse. 4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride horses. 5. Lowering the standard so that dead horses can be included. 6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired. 7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse. 8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed. 9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase dead horses performance. 10. Doing productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horses performance. 11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy more than some other horses. 12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses. And, of course, our favourite…13. Promoting the horse to a supervisory position.