The four year old was sitting in grandpas lap as he read her a fairy story. As he read, she reached up and touched his old wrinkled cheek. Then she stroked her own chubby, smooth cheek. Then she touched his again. ‘Grandpa,’ she said. ‘Can I ask you a question?’ ‘Of course, my dear.’ ‘Did God make you?’ ‘Yes, he made me a long, long time ago.’ ‘Did God make me too?’ ‘Yes, my child. God made you, just a little while ago.’ Comparing the respective faces, she said, ‘God’s getting better at it now, isn’t he?’
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He tells his mum he’s fallen in love, he is going to get married. She responds with mixed feelings and asks for the name of his betrothed. ‘Look, just for a bit of fun, I’ll bring home three sheilas, you try to guess which one I’ve proposed to.’ So the next day, he brings three very attractive women into the house sits them, side by side, on the couch. The five of them have a friendly conversation. He then says, ‘Ok, mum. Which one am I going to marry?’ Mum says, ‘ the redhead in the middle.’ ‘Mum, that’s amazing. You’re absolutely right. But how did you work it out?’ ‘Easy, I don’t like her.’
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The lawyers dog escaped from its leash, he headed straight for the local butcher. It ran through the door, scattering sawdust off the floor and grabbed a leg of lamb off the counter. The butcher went straight to the lawyer and said, ‘If a dog, running unleashed, steals a leg of lamb from my shop, do I have the right to demand payment for it from the dog’s owner?’ ‘Absolutely,’ said the lawyer. The butcher said, ‘fine, then you owe $12 for the leg of lamb your bloody dog nicked from my shop this morning.’ Without a word the lawyer wrote the butcher a cheque for $12. The next day, a courier delivered an envelope from the lawyer. The butcher read the contents. ‘Consultation fee: $50.’
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In a country pub there’s the local counterpart to the village idiot. Every night he can be found sitting on his bar stool mumbling amiable. The drinkers invariable tease him – By offering him his choice of a 20-cent piece or a $2 coin. Every time he takes the 20 cents. The drinkers are immensely amused. One day, after he’d grabbed the big silver coin the barman said, ‘look, these blokes are making fun of you. They reckon you don’t know that the little gold coin is worth more than the big silver one. That you’ve grabbed the 20 cents because it’s the bigger.’ The bloke gave a crooked grin and said, ‘nope, but if I took the $2, they’d stop doing it. And how would I pay for my beers?’
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Grandma was in the local hospital for minor surgery, but she wasn’t a happy vegemite. She started complaining as soon as they got her into bed. About the temperature. The lighting. The hospital food. The mattress. The pillow, the lot. ‘What the hell’s this?!’ she demanded. ‘Well if you need something in the middle of the light, you just press that button.’ ‘What happens? Does it ring a bell?’ ‘No, it turns on a light in the hall. For the nurse on night duty.’ ‘A light in the hall? Look, if the bloody nurse needs a light in the hall, she can bloody well switch it on herself.”
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It was the final examination for an introductory English course at Melbourne University. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out weak students. The Professor was very strict, he told his class that any exam paper not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. Half an hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the Professor for an exam paper. ‘You’re not going to have time to finish this,’ the Professor stated as he handed one to the student.’ ‘Yes I will,’ replied the student, who took a seat and began writing. After two hours , the Professor called for the exam papers, the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. Half an hour later, the last student came up to the Professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam papers already there. ‘No you don’t! I’m not going to accept that. It’s late.’ The student looked incredulous and angry. ‘Do you know who I am?’ ‘No as a matter of fact I don’t,’ replied the Professor with an air of sarcasm. ‘Do you know whom I am?’ The student asked again. ‘No and I don’t care,’ replied the Professor. ‘Good,’ said the student as he quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle and walked out of the room.
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All the kids in the class had posed for a group photograph. As the school received a percentage of the sales, the teacher was trying to persuade everyone to buy a print. ‘Children, just think how marvellous it will be, in 20 or 30 years time, when you’re all grown up. You can take out the photograph and show it to your children and say, ‘there’s Betsy, she’s now an MP. Or there’s Bill, he a merchant banker.’ A little voice said, ‘there’s our teacher, Miss Milburn. She’s dead.’
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Dad ‘n’ Dave were visiting a shopping mall in Sydney. They were amazed by almost everything they saw. By all the things in the shops, by the escalators, by the plumbing in the toilets. But especially by the two shiny silver walls that moved apart and then back together again. Dave asked Dad, ‘what is this Dad?’ Dad said, ‘Dave, I’ve never seen anything like it. I’ve no idea.’ While Dad ‘n’ Dave watched wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and Dad ‘n’ Dave watched as a row of numbers lit up, one after the other. After a while the silver walls opened again and a beautiful young blonde stepped out. Dad said to Dave, ‘go, quick find you mother.’