missing for six days. Michael the Archangel, searched high
and low for him, but mainly, given God’s exalted status,
he searched high. Finally he found him on the seventh day,
resting, he inquired of God, ‘where have you been?’
God sighed a deep, contented, satisfied sigh and proudly
pointed downwards through the clouds. ‘Look what I’ve
done, Michael.’ Michael looked and saw a new planet.
‘I called it Earth.’ Said God, ‘I put life on it, it’s going to
be a great place of balance.’ ‘Balance,’ inquired Michael.
So God began to explain, by pointing at the Northern Hemisphere.
‘For example Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity while Southern Europe will be poor. The middle east over there will be a hot spot…But down there, at the South Pole, things will be very cold.’ God continued to point to different parts of the planet. ‘Over there I have created a continent of white people…Over there a continent of black people.’ Michael began to see what God was getting at…’See that place? That’s America. North America will be rich, powerful and cold while South America, down there, will be poor, powerless and very warm. Can you see the balance?’ ‘Yes, God,’ said the Archangel, very impressed. ‘But what about that place?’ Michael pointed to a vast continent between Africa and South America. ‘Ah,’ said God, ‘that’s Australia, the most glorious place on Earth, there are beautiful mountains, lush rain forests, fine rivers, bubbling streams and endless beaches for people to enjoy. And the locals? They’re good looking, intelligent and humorous. It will be popular all over the planet. You see, they’ll be very sociable, hardworking, egalitarian yet high achieving, they’ll be known throughout the world for their hospitality. I’m going to give them super human powers, undefeatable cricket and rugby players who’ll be admired and feared by all who come across them.’ Michael shook his head in wonderment and admiration. But then he said, ‘God, you said there would be balance. How will you balance Australia?’ God replied, ‘wait until you see the ugly, whining, sheep stealing Kiwis I’m putting next to them.’
___________________
She woke in the middle of the night and found her husband missing from
the bed. She listened carefully she could hear what sounded like sobbing
from downstairs. Putting on her robe and slippers, she descended the stairs
and found her husband curled up in a little ball, crying his heart out.
‘Darling, what’s the matter?’ she asked. ‘Did
you fall down the stairs?’ ‘No, no. It’s not that.’
‘Then what is it?’ ‘Remember 20 years ago, I got you
pregnant? ‘Yes, and my father said if you didn’t marry me
you’d go to jail.’ ‘Well, I would have been released
tonight.’
____________________
Two blondes are walking through a shopping mall, when one almost trips
over a compact. She picks it up, she opens it up, looks in the mirror
and says, ‘hmmmm, this person looks familiar.’ The second
blonde says, ‘let me have a look.’ She looks in the mirror
and says, ‘silly you, that’s me!’
______________________
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.
‘I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look,’ she said.
‘What’s your secret for a long, happy life? ‘I smoke
3 packets of cigarettes a day,’ he said. ‘I also drink a case
of whisky a week, eat fatty foods and never exercise.’ ‘That’s
amazing,’ said the woman. ‘How old are you?’ ‘Twenty-six,’
he said.
____________________
A mother was tucking her little boy into bed when she heard the rumble
of thunder. Just as she was about to turn off the light he asked, with
a tremor in his voice, ‘mummy, will you sleep with me please?’
Mummy smiled reassuringly gave him a loving hug. ‘I can’t,
my darling,’ she replied, ‘I have to sleep with daddy.’
A long silence followed, broken at last by his shaky little voice. ‘The
big sissy!’
Two nuns went out of the convent to seek donations. One of them was known
as Sister Mathematical (SM) the other was known as Sister Logical (SL)
it was getting dark, they were still a long way from the convent.
SL: A bloke has been following us for the past half hour.
SM: I noticed him. What could he want?’
SL: It’s logical. He wants to have his way with us.
SM: Oh my God! At this rate, walking 4kph, he will reach us in 15 minutes.
What can we do?
SL: Logically, we will have to walk faster.
SM: We’re now walking at 6kph but he’s still catching up.
SL: That’s because he hid the logical thing. He started walking
faster too.
SM: So what shall we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do is to go in different directions. He
can’t follow both of us.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is concerned that Sister
Logical hasn’t been seen. Finally, at long last, she arrives.
SM: Sister Logical, thank God you’re safe. What happened?
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn’t follow both
of us. So he followed me.
SM: What happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run.
SM: What then?
SL: The only logical thing to happen happened. He reached me.
SM: What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh no! What happened?
SL: Isn’t it logical, Sister! A nun with her dress up can run faster
than a man with his pants down.
___________________
One night a father overheard his son saying his prayers. ‘God bless
mummy and daddy and grandma. Goodbye Grandpa.’ Well the father thought
it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The next day, the grandfather
died. About a month later the father heard his son saying his prayers
again. ‘God bless mummy and daddy. Goodbye grandma.’ The next
day the grandmother died. The father was getting more than a little worried
about the whole situation. Two weeks later, the father once again overheard
his son’s prayers. ‘God bless mummy. Goodbye daddy.’
This alone nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn’t say
anything, but got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic.
He stayed in all through lunch and dinner. Finally, after midnight he
went home. He was still alive! When he got home, he apologised to his
wife. ‘I am sorry, dear. I had a very bad day at work today.’
‘You think you’ve had a bad day!?’ The wife yelled.
‘The postman dropped dead at the front door this morning!’
____________________
The old man and woman remained married for over 60 years even though
they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling
could be heard deep into the night. A constant threat was heard by the
neighbours. ‘When I die I will dig my way up out of the grave to
come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!’ Neighbours believed
he practised black magic. He was responsible for missing cats and dogs.
He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnered. He died abruptly under
strange circumstances; the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial,
the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there
was no tomorrow. The gaiety was such that the neighbours approached in
a group to ask: ‘Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? This man
who practised black magic stated when he died he would dig his way up
and out of the grave to come back and haunt you.’ The wife put down
her drink and said, ‘Let the old so and so dig. I had him buried
upside down.’
____________________
