1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting them.
3. It’s tacky to take an esky to church.
4. If you have to vacuum your bed, it’s time to change the sheets
5. Even if you’re certain that you’re included in the will, it’s rude
to take the trailer to the funeral home
DINING OUT
When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour
slowly so as not to ‘bruise’ the wine
If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with both your hands
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist
Don’t allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
While your ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one’s own ute keys.
Even if you live alone, deodorant isn’t a waste of money
Use of toiletries can only delay bathing a few days
Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no no, as they detract from a woman’s jewellery and alter the taste of finger foods.
DATING (outside the family)
Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date
Be assertive. Let her know you’re interested: ‘I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read the stuff on the bathroom wall 2 years ago.’
Establish with her parents what time she’s expected back. Some will say 10pm, others might say ‘Monday’. If the latter is the answer, it’s the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATRE ETIQUETTE
Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movies end.
Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can’t hear you.
WEDDINGS
Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
For the groom, at least, rent a Tux. A tracksuit with cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
Though uncomfortable, say ‘Yes’ to socks and shoes for the occasion
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
Dim you headlight for approaching vehicles, even if the gun’s loaded and the pig is in sight
When approaching a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest tyres doesn’t always have the right of way.
Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
Don’t burn rubber while travelling in a funeral procession.
When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it’s impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
THIS IS FOR MEN TIRED OF RECEIVING MALE BASHING JOKES
1. How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
2. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
3. Why do woman have smaller feet than men?
It’s one of those ‘evolutionary things’ that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
4. How do you know a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with ‘A man once told me…’
5. How do you fix a woman’s watch?
You don’t. There is a clock on the oven
6. Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can’t shut up long enough to build up the required gas
7. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, whom do you let in first?
The dog of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.
8. What’s worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won’t do what she’s told
9. I married Miss Right
I just didn’t know her first name was ‘Always’
10. I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months
I don’t like to interrupt her
11. What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.
12. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%. It is called a wedding cake.
13. Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
14. Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me ‘What’s on the TV?’ I said ‘Dust!’
15. Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
16. Young Son: “Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?’ Dad: ‘That happens in every country, son.’
17. A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: “Wife wanted’ the next day he received a hundred letters. They all said ‘you can have mine.’
18. The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
19. Woman will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
20. Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don’t?
Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, and then go to bed. Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, and then go to the refrigerator.
