The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting
machine, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to
his insurance company. The company suspecting negligence,
sent out one of its men to have a look for himself.
He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef’s claim was approved.

After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Beltway had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn’t discovered for 3 days.

An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughter’s swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say ‘your daughter is pregnant.’ The mother turned red with fury and argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The mother enraged and screamed, ‘Quit looking out the window! Aren’t you paying attention to me?’ ‘Yes of course I am paying attention ma’am. It’s just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East, and three wise men came. I was hoping that they would show up again.’
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We got this today and apparently the warning is genuine. Yesterday, a friend was travelling on a Brisbane train line. A man of Arabic appearance with shifty eyes got off the train and our friend noticed that he had left his briefcase behind. She grabbed the case and ran after him, caught him at the top of the escalator and handed him back his case. He was extremely grateful. He looked around to make sure nobody was looking and whispered, ‘I can never repay your kindness, but I will try to --- with a word of advice. Stay away from Ipswich.’ My friend was genuinely terrified, ‘Is there going to be an attack?’ she asked. ‘No’ he whispered. ‘It’s a shithole.’
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A married attorney was having an affair with his secretary, she fell pregnant. He gave her a wad of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there, promising to cover the kids’ expenses till it turned 18. ‘But how will I let you know when the baby is born?’ she asked. He replied, ‘Just send me a postcard and write ‘spaghetti’ on the back.’ Six moths later the postcard arrived at the attorney’s house. As soon as he read it he fell to the floor with a heart attack. When the ambos had rushed him to hospital his wife picked up the card and read ‘Spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti: two with meatballs two without.’

There were three guys in an aeroplane. One guy dropped a rock, another dropped a brick and the last dropped a grenade. Back on the ground, they were walking down the street and found a woman crying, being a gentlemen, asked her what was wrong. A rock fell from the sky, landed on my cat and now my cat is dead, she said. Soon they came across another crying woman. A brick fell from the sky, landed on my dog and killed it, she sobbed. Just up the road there was a man laughing his head off. Wondering what was so funny they went up to ask him. I bent over to pick up the newspaper this morning, farted and my whole house blew up!
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A bloke walks into a pet shop that specialises in monkeys. The old ones are cheap at $200, most are $1000 and a few have higher prices. He finds one with a $5000 tag around it’s neck. The guy is curious. The shopkeeper explains. ‘Ah, that monkey works on cars, he can weld too in Mig, Tig and gas and is very fast. The welds are good and very strong, no wages. Well worth the money.’ Then the bloke sees one costing $10,000. ‘That one’ he is told, ‘is an A1 monkey, it can weld, panel beat and spray paint perfectly. Great work, panels as straight as an arrow.’ The bloke is impressed but then is amazed to see one for $50,000. He can’t believe it and wants to know what on earth could make it worth so much. The storekeeper says, ‘well, I haven’t actually seen it do anything, but it says it’s a consulting engineer.’
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A gynaecologist had a burning desire to be a mechanic, so she signed up for evening classes, learned all she could, when the practical exam approached, prepared carefully for weeks. She completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, she was surprised to find that she had obtained a mark of 150 per cent. She was bewildered. The teacher explained, ‘during the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50 per cent of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which was worth 50 per cent. I gave you an extra 50 per cent because you did all of it through the muffler.’
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One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behaviour that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called one of his angels to Earth for a time. When the angel returned, she told God, ‘yes, it is bad on Earth: 95% are misbehaving and 5% are not! ‘ He though for a moment and said, ‘maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.’ So God called another angel and sent her to earth for a time too. When the angel returned she went to God and said, ‘Yes, the Earth is in decline, 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good.’ God was not pleased. So he decided to E-Mail the 5% that were good because he wanted to encourage them…Give them a little something to help them keep going. Do you know what the email said?
You didn’t get one either, huh?
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This chap John who lived on the Gold Coast received word that his sister in Melbourne had died so he drove his car to the airport and caught the first available plane to Melbourne. After the cremation he requested that the ashes be put in a cask and he would bring them back to the Gold Coast. Arriving back at the airport he got in his car and proceeded to drive to the Coast when he was pulled over by a Police Patrolman, when he asked what the problem was as he had not been speeding? The patrolman advised him that he was giving him a ticket because he was driving in a Transit 2 Lane and as you are on your own I have no option, John replied oh yes, I have my sister on the seat beside me. The patrolman put his head inside the car and noticed the urn on the front seat, but he said to John yes that is ok but I still have to issue you with a ticket, John inquired what for? The patrolman replied because she is not wearing a seat belt.
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