always see right through them.
Swiss Army Knife: Male, because even though it appears useful for
a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.
Kidneys: Female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
Shoe: Male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
Copier: Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up.
Tyre: Male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.
Hot air balloon: Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it…and of course, there’s the hot air part.
Sponges: Female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
Web page: Female, because it is always getting hit on.
Subway: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
Hourglass: Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
Hammer: Male, because it hasn’t evolved much over the last 5000 years but it’s handy to have around.
Remote Control: Female…Ha! You thought I’d say male. But consider, it gives men pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
___________________
Drop a pebble in the water,
Just a splash and it is gone,
But there are half a hundred ripples
Circling on and on and on.
Spreading from the centre,
Flowing onward to the sea,
And there is no way of telling,
Where the end is going to be.
Drop a word of cheer and kindness,
Just a splash and it is gone.
But there are half a hundred ripples
Circling on and on and on,
Bearing hope and joy and comfort
On each splashing, dashing wave –
‘til you wouldn’t believe the volume
of the one kind word you gave.
Drop a word of cheer and kindness,
In a minute you forget.
But there is gladness still a-swelling,
And there’s joy a-circling yet.
For you’ve rolled a wave of comfort
Whose sweet music can be heard,
Over miles of water all around the world,
By just dropping….One kind word
____________________
Two women were playing golf when a streaker ran across the fairway in
front of them. One asked the other: ‘Is that Dick Green?’
Came the reply: ‘No, I think it’s only reflection from the
grass.’
_____________________
It was the end of the first week of school for a grade one girl. ‘I’m wasting my time’ she said to her mother. ‘I can’t read, I can’t write and they won’t let me talk!’
An unemployed man went to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor.
The manager there arranged for him to take an aptitude test. After the
test, the manager says, ‘You will be employed as a janitor at minimum
wage, $5.15 an hour. Let me have your email address, so that I can send
you a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first
day.’ Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer
nor an email address. To this the MS manager replies, ‘well then,
that means you virtually don’t exist and can therefore hardly expect
to be employed by Microsoft.’ Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing
where to turn and having only $10.00 in his wallet, he buys a large box
of tomatoes at the market. In less than two hours, he sells all of the
tomatoes individually at 100% profit. Repeating the process several more
times that day, he ends up with almost $100.00 before going to sleep that
night. Thus it dawns on him that he could make a living selling tomatoes.
Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplies his profits
quickly. After a short time he acquires a cart to transport several dozen
boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that he can buy
a pick up truck to support his expanding business. By the end of the second
year, he is the owner of a fleet of pick up trucks and manages 100 hundred
former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. Planning for the future
of is wife and children, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting
with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances.
At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks for his email
address in order to send the final documents electronically. When the
man replies that he has no email, the adviser is stunned. ‘What
you don’t have email? How on earth have you managed to amass such
wealth without the internet, email and e-commerce? Just Imagine where
you would be now, if you had been connected to the internet from the very
start!’
‘I know where I’d be,’ replied the tomato millionaire,
‘I would be a janitor at Microsoft!’
By definition, a fable must have a moral. This one has four.
1. The internet, email and e-commerce do not need to rule your life.
2. If you do not have email, but work hard, you can still become a millionaire.
3. If you got this story via email, you’re probably closer to becoming
a janitor than you are to becoming a millionaire.
4. If you do have a computer and email, you have already been taken to
the cleaners by Microsoft.
____________________
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling
asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and started to talk. She said:
‘You used to hold my hand when we were courting.’ Wearily
he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to
sleep. A few moments later, she said: ‘Then you used to kiss me.’
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and
settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said: ‘Then you
used to bite my neck.’ Angrily, he threw back the bedclothes and
got out of bed. ‘Where are you going?’ she asked. ‘To
get my Teeth!’
____________________
Three sisters ages 92, 94 & 96 live in a house together. One night
the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts one foot in and pauses. She yells
down the stairs, ‘was I getting in or out of the bath?’ The
94 year old yells back, ‘I don’t know. I’ll come up
and see.’ She starts up the stairs and pauses. Then she yells, ‘was
I going up the stairs or down?’ The 92 year old is sitting at the
kitchen table having tea, listening to the sister. She shakes her head
and says, ‘I sure hope I never get that forgetful.’ She knocks
on wood for good measure. She then yells, ‘I’ll come up and
help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.’
____________________
A minister went to the local golf club course, hoping to find somebody
to play with. As luck would have it, there was a member in the pro shop
looking for a game so they were introduced and went to the first tee.
The member asked: ‘what’s your handicap?’ The minister
replied ‘I’m on a 12.’ The member said: ‘Oh good.
So am I. Would you like to bet a dollar a hole?’ The minister agreed
and when they were finished, they went into the clubhouse. As the minister
was shelling out $18.00 to the member, he said ‘say, I’d like
for you to come down to the church
sometime.’ The member said ‘I’d like to do that.’
The minister added: ‘Bring you mother and father. I’d like
to marry them.’
