A grandmother is a lady who has no children of her own. She likes other people’s little girls and boys. A grandfather is a man grandmother. He goes for walks with the boys and they talk about fishing and stuff like that. Grandmothers don’t have to do anything except be there. They’re old so they shouldn’t play or run hard. It is enough if they drive us to the Plaza where the pretend horse is and have lots of coins ready. Or if they take us for walks they should slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars. They should never say ‘hurry up.’ Usually grandmothers are fat, but no too fat to tie your shoes. They wear glasses and funny underwear. They can take their teeth and gums out. Grandmothers don’t have to be smart, only answer questions like ‘why isn’t God married’ and ‘why do dogs chase cats?’ Grandmothers don’t talk baby talk like visitors do because it is hard to understand. When they read to us they don’t skip lines or mind if it is the same story over and over again. Everyone should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don’t have TV because they are the only grown ups who have the time.
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A man had great tickets for the Grand Final. As he sits down, another man arrives and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. ‘No,’ he says. ‘The seat is empty’. ‘This is incredible!’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Grand Final, the biggest sporting event in Australia and not use it?’ He says, ‘Well, actually the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Grand Final we haven’t been together since we got married.’ ‘Oh…I’m sorry to hear that. That’s terrible. But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No. They’re all at the funeral.’
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A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week, the man realised that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am.’ The next morning. The man woke up, only to discover is was 9.00 am and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, ‘It is 5.00am. Wake up.’

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two pathetic men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate, he asked, ‘why are you eating grass?’ ‘We don’t have any money for food,’ the first man replied. ‘Oh, well you can come with me to my house,’ insisted the lawyer. ‘But, sir, I got a wife and 3 kids here.’ ‘Bring them along!’ replied the lawyer. ‘But how ‘bout my friend?’ The lawyers turned to the other man and said, ‘You come with us too.’ ‘But, Sir,’ said the friend, ‘I got a wife and 6 kids!’ ‘Bring them as well!’ answered the lawyer as he headed for his limo. They all climbed into the limo and once underway, one of the poor fellows says: ‘sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.’ The lawyer replied, ‘Glad to do it. You’ll love my place. The grass is almost a foot tall.’
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There was a big bowl of bright red, fresh, juicy apples at the top of the main table in the church function room. One of the nuns placed a note next to the bowl that read, ‘Take only one. Remember God is watching.’ At the other end of the table was a big bowl of freshly baked chocolate cookies. They were still warm from the oven and the smell made them irresistible. Next to them was a little note in Childs handwriting. It read, ‘Take all you want. God is watching the apples.’ Brings a smile to your face doesn’t it.
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The Chinese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British, Australian, Canadians or Americans. The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British, Australians, Canadians or Americans. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British, Australians, Canadians or Americans. Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
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This guy was lonely so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. He went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, he found a good location for the box and decided he would start of by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink. He asked the centipede in the box, ‘would you like to go to Franks with me and have a beer?’ But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again. ‘How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?’ But again there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few more minutes, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipedes house and shouting, ‘Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank’s place and have a drink with me?’ A little voice came out of the box: ‘I heard you the first time! I’m putting on my damn shoes.’
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Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the road, which led past the old graveyard. ‘Come and have a look over here’, says Paddy, ‘It’s Michael O’Grady’s grave. God bless his soul, he lived to the ripe old age of 87.’ ‘That’s nothing,’ says Sean, ‘here’s one named Patrick O’Toole. It says here that he was 95 when he died.’ Just then, Shamus yells out, ‘But here’s a fella that died when he was 145 years old!’ ‘What’s his name?’ asks Paddy. Shamus lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, & exclaims, ‘Miles, from Dublin.’