A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time. ‘How wonderful! But I hope you don’t mind me asking what happened to your first husband?’ ‘ He ate poisonous mushrooms and died.’ ‘Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?’ ‘He ate poisonous mushrooms, too and died.’ ‘Oh, how terrible! I’m almost afraid to ask you about your third husband.’ ‘He died of a broken neck! He wouldn’t eat the mushrooms!’
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Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patient to operate on. The first surgeon says, ‘I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.’ The second responds, ‘yeah, but you should try electricians, everything inside them is colour coded.’ The third surgeon says, ‘no, I really think Librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.’ The fourth surgeon chimes in, ‘you know, I like construction worker…those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end and when the job takes longer than you said it would.’ But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed ‘you’re all wrong; politicians are the easiest to operate on. There’s no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable.’
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A bloke is reading his newspaper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan. He asks: ‘what was that for?’ She says: ‘I found a piece of paper in your pocket with “Betty Sue” written on it.’ He says: ‘Cripes, remember last week when I went to the track? “Betty Sue” was the name of the horse I went there to bet on.’ His wife shrugs and walks away. Three days later, he’s reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan. ‘What was that for?’ He asks. She answers: ‘Your horse “Betty Sue” called.’

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A blonde gets on a plane and sits in first class. A stewardess comes over she says ‘Sorry madam, you only have an economy seat.’ Blonde says, ‘I’m smarter than you, I have a better job than you, I’m not getting out of this seat until we get to London.’ Head steward comes over and says ‘sorry madam, you only have an economy ticket, please go to your economy seat.’ Blonde says. ‘I’m smarter than you, I have a better job than you, I’m not getting out of this seat until we get to London.’ The co-pilot comes over, he whispers something in the blonde’s ear, and she gets us up straight away and goes to her economy seat. The stewards ask him ‘What did you tell her?’ The co pilot says ‘I told her that this half of the plane doesn’t go to London.’
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This is the best Lawyer story of the year and possibly the century! A Charlotte, NC Lawyer, purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars. Then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the Lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the Lawyer stated the cigars were lost ‘in a series of small fires’. The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The Lawyer sued and won! In delivering the ruling the Judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the Lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the Lawyer for the loss of the rare cigars lost in the ‘fires’. NOW THE BEST PART…… After the Lawyer cashed the cheque, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the Lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
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A man takes the day off work he decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it, he is about to shoot when he hears, ‘ribbit 9 iron.’ The man looks around he doesn’t see anyone so he tries again. ‘Ribbit 9 iron,’ He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, he grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits a birdie. He is shocked. He says to the frog, ‘Wow, that’s amazing. You must be a lucky frog eh.’ The frog replied ‘Ribbit, Lucky frog. Lucky frog.’ The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. ‘What do you think frog? The man asks. ‘Ribbit 3 wood.’ Was the reply. The guy takes out a 3 wood and boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn’t know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life so he asks the frog, ‘Ok where to next?’ the frog replies, ‘Ribbit Las Vegas.’ They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, ‘Ok frog, now what?’ the frog says, ‘Ribbit roulette,’ upon reaching the roulette table the man asks, ‘what do you think I should bet?’ the frog replies, ‘Ribbit $3000 black 6.’ Now this is a million to one shot that this would win but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding across the table. The man takes his winnings and rents the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, ‘Frog, I don’t know how to repay you. You won me all this money and I am ever grateful.’ The frog replies, ‘Ribbit, kiss me.’ He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. All of a sudden the frog turns into the most gorgeous 16-year-old girl in the world. ‘And that, your honour is how the girl ended up in my room.’