At the 1999 world women’s conference the first speaker from Canada stood up. ‘At last years conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it for himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb.’ The crowd cheered. The second speaker from France stood up. ‘After last year’s conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well.’ The crowd cheered. The third speaker from Italy stood up: ‘After last years conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his cooking, cleaning or shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye.’
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When I went to lunch today I noticed this elderly lady sitting on a bench near the shops and she was sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said ‘I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausages, fresh fruit and freshly ground, brewed coffee.’ I said, ‘well then, why are you crying?’ She said, ‘he makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favourite brownies and then makes love to me half the afternoon.’ I said, ‘well then, why are you crying?’ She said, ‘for dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favourite dessert and then makes love to me until 2am.’ I said, ‘Well then, why in the world would you be crying?’ She said, ‘I can’t remember where I live!!!’
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The young bloke invited his mum over for dinner. During the meal, mum couldn’t help but notice how very beautiful his roommate was. Reading mum’s thoughts, the son said, ‘I know what you must be thinking but I assure you that Julie and I are just room mates.’ A week later, the roommate discovered that something was missing. ‘Ever since your mother came to dinner, I haven’t been able to find that beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?’ ‘Of course not. Mum wouldn’t do that.’ ‘Well, what’s happened to it?’ ‘Ok, Ok, I’ll write her a letter.’ So he did. ‘Dear Mum, I’m not saying you ‘did’ take a gravy ladle and I’m not saying you ‘did not’ take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Your son.’ Several days later, he received a letter from his mum. ‘Dear Son, I’m not saying you ‘do’ sleep with your roommate, and I’m not saying you ‘don’t’. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mum.”
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Two women were at the local hairdressers getting a couple of permanent waves. They were bemoaning the misbehaviour of their husbands. ‘He’s a rotter,’ one said. ‘I never know where he is at night.’ ‘I know what you mean,’ said the other. ‘One second mines in the house, the next he’s shot through, God knows where.’ ‘Well,’ said a woman eavesdropping nearby ‘I always know where my husband is’. ‘Really? How?’ ‘It’s easy. I’m a widow.’

On their way to get married, a young couple had a head on collision on the F1 freeway. They found themselves sitting outside the pearly gates. While they waited for St Peter they wondered if, under the circumstances, it would be possible to get married in heaven. So when St Peter finally appeared, they asked him. St Peter said, ‘you know, this is the first time anyone has asked that question. I’ll have to find out.’ He disappeared into the wisps of cloud. During that time, the couple waited patiently at the Pearly Gates. Hours passed. Then days. Then months. They began to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, given that everything moves so slowly – given the nature of eternal life. ‘What if it doesn’t work out?’ they asked each other. ‘Will we be stuck together forever?’ Finally St Peter returned, looking somewhat bedraggled, said, ‘Yes, I’ve been given a special dispensation for the two of you. You can get married in Heaven.’ ‘Terrific,’ said the couple, ‘But what if things don’t work out. What’s the chance of getting a divorce in Heaven?’ Outraged, St Peter slammed the Pearly Gates in their faces. ‘What’s wrong?’ asked the frightened couple. ‘It took me three moths to find a priest up here,’ St Peter shouted. ‘How long do you think it will take me to find a bloody lawyer?”
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Mum was at the end of her tether. Her five-year-old child was hyperactive, had attention deficit disorder, and was a constant bed wetter. Child psychiatrists couldn’t do a thing with him. So she went to another psychiatrist, seeking help for herself. ‘You’re far too upset and worried about your child. So I’m going to give you a prescription for Prozac.’ ‘Prozac? Isn’t that pretty strong stuff?’ ‘Yes, but you need a circuit breaker. In my experience, if you’re calmer, it might, just calm your son down a little.’ On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, ‘Has the Prozac helped?’ ‘Yes,’ the mother answered. ‘It does wonders for me.’ ‘Is your son any better,’ he asked. ‘Who gives a damn?’ she replied.
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A 60-year-old man went to a doctor for a check up. The doctor told him, ‘you’re in terrific shape. There’s nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever; you have the body of a 35 year old. By the way how old was your father when he died?’ The 60 year old responded, ‘did I say he was dead?’ The doctor was surprised and asked, ‘How old is he, is he still active?’ The man replied, ‘well he’s 82 years old. He still goes skiing 3 times a season and surfing 3 times a week during the summer.’ The doctor couldn’t believe it. So he asked, ‘well how old was your grandfather when he died.’ The 60 year old replied again, ‘did I say he was dead?’ The doctor was astonished. He said, ‘you mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?’ The man said, ‘He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that,’ said the man, ‘my grandfather is 106 years old and next week he’s getting married again.’ The doctor said, ‘At 106 years why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?’ His patient looked at the doctor and said, ‘Did I say he wanted to?’
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A 90 year old is having his check up; the GP asked him how he is feeling. ‘Never better, never better. I’ve got a 22 year old wife who’s pregnant and having my child.’ The GP thought about this for a while. ‘Let me tell you a story. I knew a bloke who loved hunting. He never missed a season. But one day he left home in a hurry, instead of his gun, he accidentally grabbed his umbrella. There he was in the wetlands when suddenly a duck appeared in front of him. He lifted up the umbrella, pointed it at the duck and squeezed the handle. Do you know what happened?’ The old bloke shook his head. ‘No, no idea.’ ‘Well the duck dropped dead in front of him.’ ‘But that’s impossible.’ Said the patient. ‘Someone else must have shot that duck.’ ‘Well, that’s what I’m getting at,’ said the GP.