Gazza keeps himself supplied with fish by throwing illegal traps into the local river. One day, around sunset, Gazza is down at the river pulling in two of his traps, both chockers with fish, when he becomes aware of a bloke standing behind him on the bank. “Do you know who I am?” says the bloke. “No idea,” says Gazza. “Who are you?” “I’m the fisheries inspector,” says the bloke. “Thank goodness for that” says Gazza, “I thought you might have been the bloke who owns these fish traps.”
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An interstate trucker, travelling from Qld to Victoria, decides to pull his rig over and sleep for a while. Exhausted, he passed out, only to be awoken by some loud knocks on the window of the cab. It’s a jogger wanting to know the time. “Three forty-five,” grunts the trucker, who promptly falls asleep again. Ten minutes later he’s woken by another jogger who wants to know the time, “It’s three fifty-five,” he yells. Determined to get some peace and quiet, he writes a note and hangs it on the door handle of the truck, a bit like “do not disturb sign” on a hotel door. It read, “I don’t know the bloody time”. A little while later another jogger wakes him. “It’s half-past five”
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The little boy was late for class. When he saw the door was closed he opened it very quietly and tiptoed to his desk. Far from avoiding the scrutiny of the teacher, it made her very annoyed. “Is that how your father would have come in? Late? Sneaking to his seat? Go outside and try it again.” So the kid left the room, shut the door very quietly behind him. A second later he burst through door, slammed it shut and, with a burning fag dangling from his lips, walked to the middle of the classroom. Then he dropped the cigarette onto the floor and ground it out with his foot. He said, “G’Day. You didn’t expect me, didya?”

A wife went to the local police station with her next-door neighbour to report that her husband, Freddie, was missing. She was asked for a description. “Well,” she said, “He’s mid 30’s, very tall, has an athletic build, blue eyes, blonde hair, is very softly spoken, kind to the kids and has a wonderful sense of humour.” The next door neighbour said, “But Freddie is little, fat. Bald and beats you up.”
The wife said, “Yes, but who wants him back?”

A blonde got a job with the public works. Her task was to paint white lines down the centre of a rural road. She’d be on probation for the first week and must manage at least two kilometres per day to gain full time employment. At the end of the first day, the supervisor found she’d completed four kilometres. Which was double the daily average. On the second day, he was disappointed to find that she’d only accomplished two kilometres. But this was still the average and he didn’t want to discourage her. But on the third day, she only managed one kilometre. So he was forced to say something. “Sorry, you were doing very well. Four kilometres the first day. Two kilometres the second day. But yesterday, just one kilometre. Is there a problem? An equipment failure? A back injury?” The blonde replied, “No, it’s just that each day I keep getting further away from the paint bucket.”
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Bill worked at a timber mill in Gippsland, whilst shoving a tree towards the saw, accidentally sheared of all ten of his fingers. So he went to the ER at the Gippsland Base Hospital where the doctor said, ‘Dear oh dear. What a mess. But don’t worry. Give me the fingers and I’ll have them sewn back on’. Bill said, ‘But I haven’t got the fingers.’ So the doctor said, ‘what do you mean you haven’t got the fingers, this is 2004, we’ve got the best micro surgeons in the country here. He could put them back on and make your hands like new. Why the hell didn’t you bring your fingers?’ Bill said, ‘how could I Doc? How could I pick the bloody things up?’
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Fools rush in where Angels fear to tread
He who hesitates is lost
To know when to hesitate, or when to rush, is the secret.

Patience is a virtue, possess it if you can.
Sometimes in a woman, but never in a man.
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I have always been of the firm opinion, that BEHIND every successful man, there is always a very good woman. I was talking to my neighbour one day, he said, ‘you will have to change that “Len”, now they are saying, BESIDE every successful man, there is always a very good woman. Then my brother in law, “Bert”, had a different version. ‘IN FRONT of every successful man, there is always a very good woman’. I can see where in a number of cases, this would no doubt be very true. BUT I AM STILL TRYING TO COME TO TERMS WITH IT.
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A child custody case; the Judge couldn’t decide which parent he should grant full custody to. So he asked the little boy. ‘Would you like to live with your mother?’ ‘No’, said the little boy. ‘Why not?’ asked the Judge. ‘Because she beats me.’ The Judge said, ‘Ok, then you’ll go live with your father.’ ‘Oh no,’ cried the boy, ‘He beats me, too’ Dumbfounded, the Judge asked, ‘Ok, who do you want to live with?’ ‘I want to live with the Cowboys.’ ‘Why?’ asked the Judge. ‘Don’t you know that it can get very hot and humid in Townsville in the Summer Time.’ The boy replied, ‘because they never beat anybody.’
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