Doctor, you’ve got to help me. I think I’m losing my mind – I can’t remember anything.

When did you first become of aware of this problem?
What problem?

A bloke finally succeeded in buying a parrot at an auction, after some spirited bidding.
I suppose the bird talks,” he said to the auctioneer.
“Talk?” was the reply. “He’s been bidding against you for the last 5 minutes!”

Then there was the prisoner who has to be the unluckiest bloke of all time. He confessed to three murders on his death bed…and then recovered!

It’s 2.00am and an anxious father staggers out of bed and calls down stairs to the young man who is courting his daughter:
Do you think you can stay here all night?” he yells.
The lad looks up from the lounge. “That’s very good of you sir. Do you mind if I call home first?”

We have a new dog. Would you like to come over and play with him?
Does he bite strangers?
I don’t know. That’s what we’re trying to find out.

The chairman of a large company was conducting a board meeting when his secretary announced that his wife was on the phone. Excusing himself, he picked up the boardroom phone and said, “Get black” – then, “get green,” and then, Oh get stuffed!”
Putting down the phone he turned to his fellow board members and said, “My wife. We’re entertaining tonight and she was asking what kind of olives I preferred.”

The hospital matron observed a junior nurse holding a patient by both wrists. “Nurse”, she admonished. “You don’t have to do that to check his pulse.” The nurse replied, “I’m not trying to check his pulse – it’s his impulse!”

Entering his sleek limousine, a busy company director noticed a new chauffeur at the wheel. “New on the job are you?” he asked. “Yes sir. I’m Charles,” the man replied. The company director frowned. “I’m sorry, but we don’t use first names in this company. What’s your surname?” The driver paused. “Darling, sir. I’m Charles Darling.” To which the company director replied, “Drive on Charles.”

A husband and wife entered the dentist’s surgery.
I want a tooth pulled,” the wife told the dentist. “And I don’t want any gas or anaesthetics because I’m in a hurry.”
Very brave”, said the dentist. “Which tooth”?
"Henry”, said the wife. “Show the dentist your tooth.”

There’s a famous seaside place called Blackpool that’s noted for fresh air and fun, and Mr & Mrs Rambottom went there with young Albert, their son.
A grand little lad was young Albert, all dressed in his best – quite a swell,
With a stick with an ‘orse’s ‘ead ‘andle, the finest that Woolworths could sell.
They didn’t think much of the ocean, the waves they was fiddlin’ and small,
There was no shipwrecks and nobody drowned – in fact nothing to laugh at, at all.
So, seeking further amusement, they paid and went into the zoo,
Where they’d lions and tigers and camels, and soft drinks and sandwiches too.
There were one great big lion called Wallace – his nose were all covered with scars,
He lay in a somnolent posture, with the side of his face on the bars.
Now Albert had ‘eard about lions, how they were ferocious and wild,
And to see Wallace lying so peaceful – well, it didn’t seem right to the child.
So straight away the brace little feller, not showing a morsel of fear,
Took his stick with the ‘orses ‘ead ‘andle, and poked it in Wallace’s ear.
You could see that the lion didn’t like it, for giving a kind of a roll,
He pulled Albert inside the cage with ‘im, and swallowed the little lad, ‘ole.
Then Pa who had seen the occurrence, and didn’t know what to do next,
Said, “Mother, yon lion’s et Albert” and mother said, “Well, I am vexed.”
Then Mr and Mrs Rambottom – quite rightly when all’s said and done,
Complained to the animal keeper that the lion had eaten their son.
The keeper was quite nice about it; he said, “What a nasty mishap.
Are you sure it’s your boy he’s eaten?” Pa said, “Of course I’m sure – here’s his cap.”
The manager had to be sent for; he came, and he said, “What’s to do?”
Pa said, “your lion’s et Albert, and ‘im in ‘is Sunday clothes too.”
Then mother said, “That’s right young feller, and I think it’s a shame and a sin
For a lion to go and eat Albert, and after we’ve paid to come in.”
The manager wanted no trouble, and took out his purse right away,
Saying, “How much to settle the matter?” Pa said, “What do you usually pay?”
But mother had turned a bit awkward,
When she thought where her Albert had gone.
She said, “No! Someone’s got to be summonsed”, so that was decided upon.
Then off they went to Police Station, in front of the Magistrate chap;
They told him what happened to Albert, and proved it by showing his cap.
The Magistrate gave his opinion, that no one was really to blame,
And he said he hoped the Rambottoms would have further sons to their name.
At that, mother got properly angry, “and thank you sir kindly,” said she.
“What waste all our lives raising children, to feed ruddy lions? Not me!”